Dances with Doxy's (who are part wolves) It was Labor day . And like any good working father...I did just about nothing all day. I'm a good dad huh? Part of the actual *work* I did.....was watching my two 4 legged daughters. Abbysaurus, and Sierra the runt. Have you ever really taken the time.....I mean real time......like opening the back door and letting them out....and contiue watching instead of turning around and doing something else right away? Its actually quite facinating. In my case...the Standard, and the Mini gather at the door.....Abby the big one, just stands there regrettting the opening of the door, Shes WAAAAY to accustomed to air conditioning. Sierra the Mini, who must be High on life in general....is bouncing up and down....like a ping pong ball..."Hey pop, open the door..open the door..come on pop....anytime now..open the door....open the door....lets go.....lets go" And so you open the door, ZOOM!!!!!!!!!!. And as soon as you get up off the floor, you glance as they bolt down the steps of the deck..side by side....and then go into what I refer to as "hourglass mode". This is when they reach the grass..they seperate and go opposite ways...then in 20 feet....bang into each other and seperate again for another 20 before the bang happens again. I'm not sure if this is an actual accepted method of hunting....like herding air and etc into a vortex....but they seem to pretty well catch stuff. >From this point on, its like something out of Science Fiction...the ways and means of hopping, pouncing, running, sliding, and stopping on a dime. And soon its like auto reverse...coming back to ground zero. For one of them anyways. Abby is good for about 4.6 minutes outside, unless you are out there. Sierra will stay till the cows come home...Even if you have no cows.....(like us), but there is always a chance someone ELSES cows might stop by I guess. You have to bribe her back in..........my favorite is.....SNACK? whammo...like a boomerrang. Of course then your obligated to some kind of snack, even if you are not hungry....your going to fix food. Because if you do not....there will be no peace until you do......lots of crying, switching legs to stand on..and staring you down....... Bath time is especially enjoyable and physically demanding. You run water in our house that is not in the kitchen sink filling a water dish, or there isn;t someone (besides them) Nekkid......you have to play the game.<p> The game is called, hide and seek with a nip. Meaning...you try and drag one out from under something....your gonna get nipped. They don;t bite.....just nip....."YO POP, you try that again...your gonna be typing with nubs". But there is the ol standby.... "SNACK" sucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then its the pity game. As they are standing "on death row" in the middle of the tub, soaking wet, "freezeing to death" and suffering from dis-located joints with every shake........you get....."THE LOOK". The look kills me...... I tend to bath them with my eyes closed......Its just to difficult to look pooooor defenseless creatures in those deep, sad, painful eyes.......as your rubbing baby shampoo on them. However....once they notice your eyes closed....your gonna get....."THE MOANS"...the moans got its name from those in severe pain......pain so bad you don;t recover.....and Doxy's can imitate it on a whim. SHoving wash cloths in your ears helps........and keeping your eyes closed.....this way..you can get thru the torture sequence. Or so you think. One more note..... Have an intellectual answer available when your 8 year old looks in the room and sez..... "ummm...Dad....are your brains falling out?" Once the ritual torture is over...the dancing begins.....as you rifle thru thier fur trying to dry them off.....they are ever ready for that split second you release JUST ENOUGH to change positions and allow them the "Leap of Life" To freedom. This is when you scramble to grab them, catching the edge of the door with your forehead, your knees digging into the tile floor and your arms and fingers getting jambed under the door itself. JUST THEN...it hits you..... "Theres still one left in the tub" But before you can react....25 pounds of shear terrorified Doxy will spring into the air...and land dead center of your back.......in one final leap..out the doorway and runnign down the hallway.....shaking all the way, and slinging water from the baseboard to the ceiling fan. The fan of course slinging the water and soap suds into adjacent rooms. Thereby ensuring you a day full of clean-up for two such very small creatures. So when anyone tells you to bath the dogs before dinner.......Be sure to ask before WHAT DAY you get to eat. Just the facts....thats all I report. Obtaining a Pup I read the official ways and means to obtain that special pup. And found it very informative and pretty much on point. However, I felt compelled to visit some archives and provide some actual real life facts and figures provided by years of learning, experiments and thousands of dollars in research. The title to the research paper was Doxy Diving...an Extreme Sport. It was provided to partially explain the elusive, yet cunning creature called the Dachsund....or by southern virtue....the Doxy. It is very important to view this document while completely relaxed, comfortable, and if possible...sane (i.e prior to actual usage of a real life personal Doxy of your own). As with any new gadget...please play with a friends first offf....to see if you really do like it. One more note....Please do not allow a doxyAmerican access to this information....they are capable of trans-fixing thier DNA and change.....and Change they will. DIS-CLAIMER @@@@@@@@ The following information has not been rated for all persons......if you are one of those ....please do not read, your time is coming. Once it has been rated for you specifically.....please continue. If you accidently read this prior to that date.......we cannot be held responsible for any harm this causes your funny bones......please keep them at bay....or at least in your skin. Doxy Diving...An Extreme Sport By Rick Tyler, a Confirmed Doxyholic The Real bottom line here...is the mere fact of owning a doxy is in-it-self......an Extreme Sport. Face it...if you own a doxy...you are an Athletic Competitor. I began this sport many years ago...and like any good thing..I got hooked, I'm in no way saying that I excell in this sport...for more times than not...I loose.......to...of all things.....a Dog. Over the years, I've concluded...Doxys are a mixture of many different types of animals. They contain traits of snakes, rats, kangaroos, cats, wolves, tigers, Gazelles, fish, human babies, shark, Skunk,and ex-wives and girlfriends. I will attempt to explain each of these traits as I have seen them over my many years of training and competing in Doxy Diving. Now the definition of Doxy Diving is very diverse, but it is not as simple as one would think. Doxy Diving is a very dangerous sport, and it conatins many many many painful times. There are concussions, broken bones, sprained muscles, damage to property and the severe attack on ones self esteeem. First up..the Snake. When you grab hold of a Doxy and attempt to induce a tablet into its mouth ...it is able to seperate its bone structure and become....just a fluff of loose skin and tissue...thus sliping out of any hold placed upon it. The next DNA column is the Rat. Doxy;s will eat anything. Anything THEY want to eat...not anything YOU want them to eat. This will be things like the dining room table legs, the carpet near the doorways, the Trim on the front door, the window ledge, fluff and stuff from toys you pay good money for, and to top it off...leather shoes. Kangaroos place way up there in the gene pool. Afflicted with short stubby legs is but an optical illusion, designed to confuse the humans into thinking....things are high enough to be protected. Not so. A determined Doxy can jump or bouce.....6 times its natural height. Sans the ceiling...Nothing in your house is safe. Wearing shorts with loose baggy legs in them and nothing underneath....is but a death wish. Everything is a toy to be had by a Doxy. Doxy also has feline traits.....it will attempt to climb, walk narrow beams and chase birds and other critters generally hated by Cats. In many cases this is in the Doxy's favor...as most critters do not see a dog as a hostile combatant. It'll fly or walk by it...keeping a lookout for cats...and Whammo.....you;ve got teeth marks in your framework. But fear not...its not a quick demise....you will be trotted all over and be shown to a master...as a prize...all covered with slobbber. Wolves play a major role......A doxy has a bite/grip that equals the wolf. It can rip large areas from a single object with yet one bite. A square yard of carpet is childs play. A doxy can devour an entire recliner in less than the time it takes to fix a glass of soda. If it really wants to. This ties to the ability of the wolf to survive with other creatures around wanting its prey. The Tiger is tied to the Doxy in its ability to run prey down....the shear mechanics of 2 inch legs being able to reach speeds up to infinity...is one of the great wonders of the world. Throwing an object like a ball....at lighting speed.....can be caught in a hundred yards...on the first bouce. The Doxy gets its flying ability from the gazelle. With the generation of the tigers speed...it can leap into the air....with out streched limbs...and hover....gliding...crossing a lake. Now it generally won;t make it across.....but it will try. Mush like the gazelle running from the tiger. This also applies to small rain puddles....it will try...but its fly judgement isn;t too good, it generally misses the edge. Since Doxys have this problem with water judgement....it has been required to adapt the sydrome of the fish. It must swim to survive....and Swim it will...in ALL kinds of water. The Doxy has injected human baby traits as well. When it has done things not apporved of by its keeper.....it will give the sick little face look. Out of all the traits aquired from the other animals....this one far exceeds others. Its ability to mimick the emotions and play upon the keepers emotions is un-precedented in any recorded times known to man. The Doxy has even exceled in some human baby traits...it can cry and whimper better than any child born to date....thus ensuring its place in the heart of those who dare to compete int he the sport. It will win the gold.. As to the shark.....Doxys have it beat....paws down. Based on body mass as it relates to teeth ownership......the Doxys go from the tip of the nose....all the way down its throat. This ensures that whatever is in its grip.....is gona stay there until its ready to either let go....or swallow it. It is faster than lighting also.....get something it wants within snapping distance....and its a goner...thats a given. The Topper of its ability to inflict on you in balancing the world....it will pull out all the stops. Suppose you take it to a Vet....the first thing this place does it place you and the Beast in a confined area smaller than any room in your house. IT will stand there....expressionless, and in a moment...you will be overtaken with a stench that literally melts the glue on the wallpaper in this room. The fan that is runnigg above your head...will short out, and the lights will flicker, and the fabic in your clothing begins to weaken from decay. The Creature then stands tall....wags its tail...and looks directly at you when the door opens and this pretty little nurse girl walks in. Who will also look directly at you. Her eyes speak only in a voice you can hear......"MY gawd...I KNOW this tiny little dog did not do that"...and makes a verbal tone about something she forgot to bring. (probably a gas mask). When she leaves..YOU know that when you leave...EVERY soul in that office will have an excuse to be where they can see who leaves that room.....*you*. Nothing will save you from this horror, your a pig....and the whole town will know before lunch. The Doxy has aquired the Ex-woman atttributes to peak its ability to survive. It can be warm when needed, snuggly when the times require, loveable, freindly, happy and estatic. HOWEVER....it can be vindictive, cunning, and vicious. Make it mad....and its hell on toenails. Its memory will flash back to stuff you did back in 1983 even tho you are only really guilty on count 8, trial part 1999. But...it will more than likely forgive you from the hours of 9pm to 8 am.......because you both sleep in the same bed. However....do not attempt to handle said creature during this time...unless it begins the process......remember those teeth..and those shorts earlier?. Once you understand all of its attributes....you can actually understand the sport of Doxy Diving. Once you allow one of these creatures into your home...you are forced to compete in the Extreme Sport. You will be spending the rest of your life....chasing this creature and diving to tackle it....The initial pain will subside in a few days....the bones you break will heal in a few months, and the self esteem......well ...just get used to it. For Even if you do catch the beast...it will slither out....run faster next time...jump farther, bite harder.....cry louder...eat a bigger sofa, and in the long run.....(oh boy..a pun)......frankly....may just out live you. During most of its life...and yours....you will spend most of this time...looking at the wrong end..........as it eludes your every attempt to catch it. The ridicule you live thru.....fromt he paramedics, Emergency Room nurses and friends and realtives.....is just part of the sport....A test...if you will....of your ability...to survive.....a creature that is 100 times smaller than youself. My Name is Rick....I'm a Doxyholic, and I've never won a medal in Doxy Diving.

Mini Vs Standard She Wrote: So, what I'm wondering is what are the advantages and disadvantages between the standard and miniature types of Dachshunds? My husband asked me this question the other day. Egats Writes: Oh Thats like Simple. You get more room in the recliner/sofa/king sized bed with a Mini. Pretty much sums it up. I've got one of each.....Abby(saurus) is a 26 pound Queen red smooth female. Sierra is a 8 pound Princess red smooth Mini Female. Sierra will sleep long ways WITH you....Abby sleeps PERPENDICULAR.....in our case....my wife and I just hope that we each get the nose end.....Of course....since she sleeps on her back.....this isn;t all that great...since she snores like a trucker. They both eat about the same amount.....drink about the same.....and love about the same....you just get more weight trying to push that tongue down your throat with Abby. How to Properly Walk a Doxy Its a joke....silly....it can;t be done. However....should you need your shoulder popped back into socket......or out of it........just try. Seriously.....tho....(yea like you'll believe me right?)... I have found........the best way to walk a Doxy is to chase them all over the house for say an hour or so with a pill.....then when you finally catch them....(once of course you regain composure and the paramedics have left you).....hook'm up to the harness, and hope you don;t run into any of the following while you take place them on the walk. 1. Dogs 2. Cats 3. Anything that has fur and can run, climb or crawl. 4. Anything that has feathers and can fly, run, or crawl. 5. Anything with a shell that can walk, or drag itself. 6. Anything that slithers or burrows. 7. Anything that breathes, or once did. 8. Anyone....this includes people in your own home who have been out of sight for 4 seconds. 9. Cars, trains, busses, planes, kites, motorcycles, bikes, skateboards, rollerblades, or scooters. Basically....if it has wheels......its a no-no. 10. Anything that would hitch a ride on any of the above. 11. grass, weeds, sticks, tossed drink cups, half a week old bag of chips, a candy bar wrapped with a smudge on it, or the ever dreadful..................honey bun paper. 12. Fire Hydrants, water meters, mail boxes on posts, hubcaps that fell off, or rocks. 13. Air......yep..plain and simple...air. If you can avoid all of these items.....it is possible to walk a doxy......if you cannot.....rest assured......you are not alone. Rick

Take a Dox Fishing First off....Welcome to all the new members! I'm Rick, quiet, truth teller of the breed. Owner of Abbysaurus (standard Red Smooth female 25 pounder) and SierraBaby (red smooth female rescuetype 9 pounder). you'll never ever hear tell of me slamming on this wonderful, gratefull, breed of canine Americans and Worldwide Wonder of Earth. Honest. Being such a great father and all...I try to involve the kidlets in our everyday life. When the teenager does something bad.....we console the dogs, when the 8 year old is wild.......we console the dogs. When the dogs are wild......I blame the kids. :)))) This is somewhat of a stretch...since we all know...Doxy's are never bad. Right? Of course I'm right......its a well known fact. (hehehe) It all began with a fantastic Idea........that um.......well heres the events as I recall them. I was going to take my son fishing.....nice fatherly thing to do right? yep..thats what I thought up too. Now Abby and Sierra are both very intellegent, So when they see you packing....they take care of business...."Hey pop..Let me out...let me out..I gotta go potty". SO you let them out....and under the truck they go. Lesson 886557839-A "If they see you pack...THEY ARE GOING". (its ok..I'm still learning this one myself). As you are on your knees for that hour and a half begging the girls to come out from under the truck....be prepared for what comes next. Humiliation in front of all your friends. Because as they drive by, they MUST make some comment about you lying face down with a fishing pole swiping it back and forth under your truck. "Yo rick...trying to get driveway trouts?" or "I thought you meant FISHING?" and my favorite "Hey Rick, Gotta tell ya dude, the tide is way low....your gonna have to swim farther out to get a fish" So...how much trouble can two little dogs be.......fishing? LOTS!. First off...no matter how many snacks you take....your gonna be short. (pardon the pun for those doxy's reading this). For every bite you TRY to take....you have to give up 2. Pretty soon......your not even gonna get to suck the juice out of the bottom of the empty vienna weenie can. And ANY other time....giving them a bite of a peanut butter sandwich will keep them busy for half an hour....but inna boat....ALL BETS ARE OFF. Peanut butter goes down like water....or so it seems at the time. You'll be lucky to get crust....and no peanut butter. As for taking stuff you KNOW THEY WON'T eat at home.....same deal....they'll love it...Inna boat. Be prepared to be wet ALL day. Cuz once you toss the line out in the lake...your gonna have to chase down a 9 pounder. Thankfully, the 25 pounder just instigates the jump and splash game....Make arrangements before you leave home to grill hamburgers when you return....as a 9 pound dog jumpng into the water all day.....kinda takes the appetite of a fish wanting a lure away. Don;t ask me why. One more thing.....bait protection. Buy LOTS and LOTS of bait. I suggest a couple million crickets, and at least a dumptruck load of worms. Do you know how many crickets a small dog can catch in one bite? I swear...I think Doxy's are part ant eater, they can put that nose into your cricket bucket...and out comes this 9 foot long tongue...and walla....25-49 crickets....GONE. And a cricket under the top edge doesn;t have a chance.....a grown man can;t get it...but a small hound can.....I guar-an-tee it. Worms....a whole new game..... A doxy can open up a plastic container of worms with one flip of the nose.....and pretty soon, your boat is covered in worm dirt....pretty much ankle high. You ever try to bait a hook with a worm thats got doxyslober all over it? If not...have you heard the term 'slicker than a greased pig'? Thats *IF* you can even find a worm......cuz its a given...if it moves....a doxy will eat it. And there is nothing faster on earth that a doxy trying to eat something before you can grab it from them. I was just lucky enough to survive an entire day on breadcrust and worm dirt. Maybe I should take them to a race....... RIck A Monster ate my Dog. Yes, I am well aware of the time...its almost 5am. I know this because for the last 45 minutes...I've been hunting Abby. I dozed off again on the couch while wearing my headsets. All went fairly well....its a really comfortable couch when you doze off....and it kinda restricts movement in a way that unless I sleep past 9am or so....my back doesn;t hurt. Abby had stayed out in the den with me..curled up at the foot....of my feet..last time I looked...and had dozed off......without headsets. As you know...once asleep...NOTHING bothers her....until she gets her nap out. In sleepyland.....I heard 3 short whimpers..... This is usually my key to turn over...reach down on the floor....and grab her and place her on my chest....where she falls back into that trance. So I did so........and brought forth a handfull of air. ok....she waddled off......So I called her ....Once. (She had her chance...and didn;t come...I went back to sleep.).... Another three whimpers.....I rolled back over.....grabbed air...and nothing. She got her ONE call....and didn;t show again. Now I was getting upset...Back to my dreamstate. Once more I heard a whimper..Once more I called....Once more I got air....Now I was getting mad. I looked over at the clock across the room...it was 4:15....dammit..shes gotta go outside. SO I got up....went to the front door...and No Abby. But I heard two whimpers... Looking around..nothing...so I flicked on a light....nowhere in sight. Now shes horrendous for having a "Playfull attack" at the weirdess times....like about now. Now I was really getting mad. But I couldn;t find her to scold her. I heard but one whimper....around the couch. I went over...turned on a light....and didn;t see her...I pulled *our* blanket back....nothing....removed the pillows....nothing........and I scratched....ummm..my neck...and one more whimper. AHA!...shes under the couch!!!!!!......well....cept she can;t get under it...cuz its a sleeper...and theres no way under it. Now don;t ask me why...but I pulled the cushions out...."she must have slipped down behind a cushion" was my train of thought...in my dilerious state...but Again...no Abby. For the life of me...I'm not sure why...but I reached up...inside the back of the couch....behind the solid oak board under the fabric....and drew back a wet finger. Having a six year old son.....this is extremely possible...even without a small dog. SO I called Abby again...nothing. Reaching back up....and moving over some.....I felt a fluffy...and my finger got wet again....this time....with a sharp prick.....OK...either this is a good thing...or you really don;t wanna know what the son had ...and no longer has. But I got a slight thumper...and a whimper. AHA!!!!!!!!..Get out of there!!!!!!!....but no such thing took place....I reached and grabbed a foot...and pulled...nothing moved. A flash came over me of a guy pulling a horse baby out...with a jeep. I tried again....nope...shes in there for good......Reluctantly...I went to our bedroom door... "Georgia?...you asleep?...ummm...I need some help" She came out.... Both my hands rammed up to elbows into the top inside of the couch......."ABBY is up there somewhere......I lost her" For about 5-10 minutes...we both pushed and manipulated the top bottom of the couch....the monster that had swallowed our small dog....keeping it captive within it jaws.....refusing to spit her back out......until finally...a leg dropped down.....then another.....before long...we got a nose....and some more nose......then about another 6 inches of nose....and a shoulder. Moments later...the upper torso of our baby......I'm telling you it was like a breach birth....frontwards. Inch by inch.....foot by foot....yard by....ok..she just shy of a yard....but finally...the couch monster spit her out......and boy....was she. HAPPY!!!!......she must have saved up like a million licks....so I've placed her o the bed with Georgia....since I'm all wet....already. I'm sitting in the recliner...watching the weather channel....looking at the couch.....not sure I wanna lie back down...and get swallowed up.....Now that its had a taste of meat....i'd be a pretty good snack. Sleep easy you all......your safe....I've got a watchfull eye on the moster in hiding. guess I lost my sleeping buddy...from now on. Rick Tyler, Stagemaster extrodinaire "Quality Theater.....Any show with which you were directly involved"

Again this is a re-submittal for the page....for those who have seen this before, again it reallly really did happen. After months of therapy and tons of treats the *fish* was released back *into the wild* and has lived happily ever after. The Caretaker however still suffers dailey for his accused abuse of wildlife. If you have never read this before.....ummmmmm.....please do not report me to the ASPCA, I was minding my own business. Recliner FLy Fishing. Been home about an hour......already caught two fish from my recliner. REALLY!!!....This is mans perfect world....:))) At night...when I'm deeply involved in manly things...like watching TV and surfing the net...I use the laptop. Now this sort of manly proceedure requires extensive use of mechanical things. Case in point...the Phone Jack I use..is in the Dining room, and the laptop and me are in the living room. Now to make this arrangement work..... makes use of a longggggg phone extension wire. I plug it into the Dining room...trail it to the recliner...and walla....Technological marvel whiz!. Tonight While the line was baited.....I was watching CNN...and my laptop shot off my lap and across the floor!!!!!. Now first thought may have been GHOSTS!....But nawww....we got us a real live flying Fish!...so I yanked that line backwards like a pro fisherman...and WHAM...I heard the flounder hit the floor....a floppin and spinning and whizzing off more line!....SO I began to pull in the slack...and that thing fought back..the harder I pulled the harder it fought...I figured...I had a Shark!. Then all of a sudden I heard...YOWL!!!... Hooooeeeee...I got a flying TALKING fish!... So I about got it beached..when all of a sudden..it topped the pile carpeting....and I knew I had to toss it back....yea....minnow....no proud southern professsional Fly fisherman would land a minnow...but the line was hooked...so I had to follow it down...and at the middle......was little Abby. All lined up and nowhere to go. I unhooked my baby.(for newbies...thats my dachshund) ...and set her free....(like any other non-self-respecting minnow) and continued surfing.....A few moments ago...another nibble...so I waited....and watched the line....it jingled....then stopped....then jingled a little more...then stopped..on jingle three...I set the hook...and yanked! YELP!!!!!. Yup...I caught me another den-trout..small mouth variety....mostly bones...bottom feeder, half pirrana, half carp......had to toss it back....again. I gotta git bigger fish....or move. bcc: whats good for LivingRoom Bass? Rick Tyler, Stagemaster extrodinaire "Quality Theater.....Any show with which you were directly involved" Scubba Abby: I've got this hound. Now I've had hounds before..and all hounds I've had that resided indoors downright hated clear water in a porcelain enclosures that were associated with soap and or towels. Night before last...maybe last night...I'm old and my memory comes and goes. Anyways, our young son was caught with the new hound in the indoor mini waveless sauna with him. Now I wasn;t home, but I was informed that when apprehended said hound was running back and forth front to back of the tub while the 6 year old sat back and watched...tossing sharks, monkeys, motorcycles and legos to the other end of the basin. Hound was running after them..and grabbing said objects and running back to the other end. Now for full effect...you need to visualize. The water is on average in between tidal waves....about 6 inches deep. Said sea monster causing aforementioned tidal wave action by utilizing body mass against water pressure is on average 7 inches tall at the top of the head. The center of gravity of such a sea monster is about 3 inches above a horizontal plane considered the ground level upon which the feet are placed in a perpendicular fashion while standing in a non-moving position. Further Visions can be accomplished by the following. A Grown man about 5 feet tall...running dead straight into the rolling waves of the Atlantic Ocean and has water and spray hitting him in the face and back of the head. Making BIG splashes. Ok..so you have the scenario. Now imagine..that the size of the area in question is 60 inches give or take long...and these waves are averaging 8 inches per roll from end to end...and add a splash factor of say....48 inches direct vertical, and on a 0-89 degree angle the splash factor is greater to the lessor of 48 inches. Now you have to also have the following facts...the side of the basin is at least 17 inches off common ground floor area..and the ability of said sea monster to obtain flight from a non-abrasive ground plane....is definitely in question. SO naturally you are in line with the decision of the court....Said Son..picked up said hound..and placed in said basin....splash and fall-out were caused by said son PRIOR to said hound being used for the fall mechanism. Guilty until proved innocent..and in the case of a 6 year old...who's gonna believe this guy anyways right? Well Tonight...the judge and jury are faced with a dire situation...either the overturning of prior sentence...or just plain retirement. Sea Monster (evidence Item *A*) was caught wet footed....jumping into said basin and initiating all activities reported but dismissed in all prior charges. It will appear that We will be adding anti-Abby Gates to our bathtubs, Hot Tub and Pool. She has no fear of things she can see thru...and besides...DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WATER a 12 pound hound can SPLASH? A DOG-GONE LOT! Rick Tyler, Stagemaster extraordinair "Quality Theater.....Any show with which you were directly involved"

Amazement for the day....Abby was once again..a little thing..... (literally). You know..every time you think you have seen it all.....you realize that you haven;t seen nuffin. Today....For the first time since birth my 4 legged apparition did not get up early. And barely got up when I got out of the shower. I did not know at the time, that this was a Special Operations Tactic. I roused the sleeping slug, offered it breakfast...which was declined....felt the nose to ensure livelyhood and opted to go about my own business. Part of this required opening the back sliding glass door for the smaller residents to come and go until I left the house. I chose to read email...and watch CNN. I noticed a strange thing take place as it went by the front of my recliner......the Cat...Following the Dog. I instantly checked CNN and Headline News...for some sort of explanation to the un-natural. See round these parts, the Cat is generally running..with a brown tube sock in full stride upon its tail. However...no running..just a mild gallop...with the players of the team....all out of order. I decided there are some things on earth...left un-bothered...so I went back to reading important email and gossip. I Noticed a puck......puck....puck noise. I glanced over the top of the laptop into my dining room...and was met with four eyes...in 2 sets of a pair....looking back at me, as if saying...."we ain;t doin nuffin"... now I didn;t trust...nor believe them...but they just stared back. I went back to work......and ...Puck....puck...puck...Now this is a sound I hadnt; heard before...so I looked again...and again...four eyes...saying..."what?". I decided...one its wasn;t them....two....I hoped like hell my Icemaker didn;t go out AGAIN and pee all over my wood floor. The Ice Maker checked out all fine and dandy...and I Heard...Puck....Puck....MEOW. OK!!!...This definately meant..the CAT was guilty!... I Yelled....LILLY!!!!!!!!!!! and looked in the dining room. Now remember this...Abby is 4 months old...Lilly is I dunno..a few years. Lilly weighs about 30 pounds...dry and has 12 inch legs. Abby weighs about 12 pounds...and can arm wrestle Bruce Lee and prolly win. Solid Muscle....at 4 months. The DOG...has a butterfly in her mouth....by the wings....and is keeping it from the Cat....ever so often...it pucks...(places it on the glass of my Display Case) by poping her nose to the glass...and whips around and pokes the cat in the ribs...then Whips back....grabs the butterfly by the wings and holds it. Now...Once I rescued the Butterfly and set it free outside... (wingspan about 4 inches)...I laughed my own tail off...Altho the cat was mad....the dog kinda just looked and said.... "Hey....wheres that fluffy.....I was aggrevating the cat with that thing" And I've got to get nose prints off my truck case..... Rick bcc: Yesterday....Georgia saw her come in.....said...ABBY! Drop that Stick...and reached down to get it.......and screamed. The stick was wet and moved. I hadda reach down...prying her mouth open....and get the baby lizard. Its a joke....silly....it can;t be done. However....should you need your shoulder popped back into socket......or out of it........just try. Seriously.....tho....(yea like you'll believe me right?)... I have found........the best way to walk a Doxy is to chase them all over the house for say an hour or so with a pill.....then when you finally catch them....(once of course you regain composure and the paramedics have left you).....hook'm up to the harness, and hope you don;t run into any of the following while you take place them on the walk. 1. Dogs 2. Cats 3. Anything that has fur and can run, climb or crawl. 4. Anything that has feathers and can fly, run, or crawl. 5. Anything with a shell that can walk, or drag itself. 6. Anything that slithers or burrows. 7. Anything that breathes, or once did. 8. Anyone....this includes people in your own home who have been out of sight for 4 seconds. 9. Cars, trains, busses, planes, kites, motorcycles, bikes, skateboards, rollerblades, or scooters. Basically....if it has wheels......its a no-no. 10. Anything that would hitch a ride on any of the above. 11. grass, weeds, sticks, tossed drink cups, half a week old bag of chips, a candy bar wrapped with a smudge on it, or the ever dreadful..................honey bun paper. 12. Fire Hydrants, water meters, mail boxes on posts, hubcaps that fell off, or rocks. 13. Air......yep..plain and simple...air. If you can avoid all of these items.....it is possible to walk a doxy......if you cannot.....rest assured......you are not alone. Rick

Almost Killed at Home Depot A few weeks back, there was a string about Home Depot allowing dogs in the store. In fact a week or so ago, I actually saw a guy take a poodle in ours. I never knew you could take them in, now....I know. Last night was a long night here at the stagemasters castle. I remember going to bed....I dunno, about 1am. Abby and I had fallen asleep on the couch....again, and when I woke up, I decided....what the hay, better go to bed. I tried to wake Abby...but she stayed on the couch. About all I got accomplished was a few hundred tosses....and turns....a flip here and there...pretty much alot of that. Abby had made it to bed...and grunted each time I flipped the body pillow that she sleeps under...to my other side. This causes her to make a really big grunt....drag herself up, and have to sashay around to my other side...to get under the pillow. I also got a grunt or two from my wife. I decided I might as well get up....couldn;t sleep....peacefully anyways.....so I did. It was 4:30am. Joy. Wide awake..Tried TV...no good........I figured...might as well go to Home Depot....they are open 24 hours....right? besides....maybe some good deals. Then I decided....HEY!...I'll take the girls. Abby wasn;t to fond of getting up....she looked really strange at me, and sighed like a train full of horses.....Sierra Growled and showed me her throat teeth......You know the ones....down behind her tonsils. But always ready for a ride......I grabbed them up when I got dressed. They went as usual........nekkid....and yawning. When we arrived....we lucked out and got a parking spot right up front.....or....it could have been because no-one except employees were there, but you never know when there is going to be a mad rush at 5am.....and still pitch black outside. The girls were so excited to be at Home Depot.......and I drug them all the way inside. They didn;t even bark at folks we ran into.......but were curious about the new digs.....we began walking up and down the aisles....looking for stuff on sale...that we didn;t need, but had to have. As we approached the kitchens area.....it looked dark.....and I asked a guy about it. "theres a ballast out...but you can still shop in there". So in we went....The girls weren't all that excited about the kitchen stuff......but they stayed with me. I felt the hair on my neck curl.....and looking around...I saw a guy following me. Having heard about Doxy abductions.....I told the girls to stay close. Instinctively, they got behind me..... Up and down the Aisles, we go.....looking for stuff we absolutely had to have...but in reality have no need for......but think about it.....who's gonna tell us no when we get home at 6am?.....Its Mans perfect shopping time...... We kept up our search......and then I felt it...... I couldn;t quite place my finger on it......(mainly due to them fighting off something). but it was a deep, painful spike feeling thing......make that two....and then....My legs were feeling the same things....and I re-alized..... I'M BEING BITTEN BY VAMPIRES!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....Lots of them. Out of the corner of my eye...I saw the girls....fase and sound...under a rack... Sierra looking like...."So, ya think we'll get some snacks on the way home?".....and Abby looking like...."Probably not....looks like ol pop is gonna be sore" I tried to scream....I really did, but for the life of me, I could not......I tried for all my might....(and some days..thats alot of might)....But for the life of me..nothing would come from my vocal cords....and then....Just then.....it came. It came from Deeeeeep down inside me.........farther than anything ever before it......I stiffened my entire body....and allowed it....to pierce my throat with the two gaping holes in it....... GRrrrrrrrOOOOOWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats when it happened....The vampires, let go.....and the sweat began to recede.......and my wife......sez.... "Rick,......Why did you do that?" (This is the point when I realized several things. The first being....I was still at home, the second being, I was in our own bed.....) "Rick, You Scared Abby to death...She jumped clean over me" "Why did you do that?" (As I'm trying to figure out what to say...you know...something manly...and makes complete sense.........about 5-8 minutes go by.......) and then we BOTH hear...... "Mom.....WHAT WAS THAT?"....as my teenage daughter is almost crawling down the hall....."It scared me so bad I almost wet my bed".... "It was your father sweetheart....go back to sleep" "There is NO WAY MOM"......(as Abby passes her in the hallway on her way to my sons room).... We both laughed at her...for several minutes...taking the light off me of course...and it came to me....the answer...... "I have no clue....I was sound asleep" Rick Note to self: Do not eat cake and ice cream chased by a soda at 11:30 pm, and doze off watching some horror flick. Kicked out of Charity Concert The day began a bit overcast. Your typical Saturday, but was expected to be perfect concert weather. I gathered up my daughter.....Abby is always up for a ride, and is tickled to death.......unless, You go under the brige towards uptown. That is the dreaded line. For to cross such a line...can only mean one thing...........Vets Office. If you should pass under this bridge, and are in the company of the girl....the thrill of riding comes to an end...and the beginning of AutoShake takes over. This happens when she gets off the seat.....filled with padding...and huddle in the floorboard....and shakes......the entire truck. Knowing the venue was not "Short Daughter Friendly", ..........I had a plan. I remembered something I read on the internet, and as I reached the entrance area....I put it into action. Placing my dark sunglasses on, and armed with part of a golf club (no head), and my baby on a leash.....I approached the entrance. All was well for about 20 feet, when this lady grabs my arm.. "I'm sorry sir, but dogs are not allowed."....I took this oppertunity to look around and say..."Who is that?" She replied "I'm terribly sorry, I didn't realize you could not see" I replied....thats ok, I've got it under control. Then she said......"Wow, What a beautiful Doxy!!".....and I piped back.... "A DOXY? they gave me a DOXY?...I thought it was a very short Sheppard!!!!!!!".... This kind of paved the way for us to have the run of the place....I believed from this point on, no-one would bother me......A Mans Plan is invicible. :))) We found the stage area, and being in the Entertaiment Industry, I decided to help out. Abby stood around and watched, and allowed the occasional pat and rub from on-lookers. It was going to be a fabulous show....A multi-talented, major accomplishment for the producer. It would be the first time, that there would be lots of musicians on stage at the same time, decked up in platforms, multi-levels, and designed to allow everyone watching to see everyone on stage. No fees were being charged to the public. It all began with the drummers going in first, 8-9 of them....full compliment of drums, cymbals, and everything. Once all of them were in place, we placed the guitar dudes in....about 15 or so, grouped and spread out, filling up the platforms and stacked stages. Then came the piano players, Banjos and saxaphone players.....and for effect we found some dancers to go up too....To our amazement...they happened to be dressed alike....making it appear it was pre-arranged. The crowd was gthering...and chanting....."BRING IT ON!......LETS HEAR SOME TUNES!!!!!" We were cat calling back....."I can't hear youuuuuuuuu".... AND then...it was showtime!!!!!! We helped the drummers first...then the Guitar and sax and piano guys....then the dancers got fired up....and the concert began!!!!!!!!!!!! The crowd was screaming....and clapping...and howling.....(ok that was Abby).......but it was out of control!!!!!!!!!!!!! The music was blaring, loud and constant....... Just then.... I felt my arms being grabbed.....and was I was being dragged towards the exit. Abby was following...in a short legged gallop....and I was begging..to stay. I had taken part in this concert, and wanted to see it thru. As we reached the gate....Security said to me. "Sir, if your coming to walmart.....you CANNOT bring a dog....OR....Push the buttons on every teddy ruxpin, star trek, Banjo playing Gorillas, talking Frogs and dancing barbies in the store" some people just don;t enjoy good music huh?